


Some Level Of Understanding

by WhiteRiverOfYouth



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us) Bonding, Ellie Returns to Jackson (The Last of Us), F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25708744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteRiverOfYouth/pseuds/WhiteRiverOfYouth
Summary: Ellie returns to the Jackson community to try and repair the broken bridges created in the wake of her actions during and after Seattle. Relationships improve, old friends return, and family becomes closer than ever before. Still a work in progress. Was originally posted on fanfiction.net.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 46





	1. Dina

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first work I've posted to Ao3 and I'm honestly glad it's one that I've worked on for a bit instead of something new entirely. I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'll be posting the four chapters currently that are currently done and will update the work accordingly when the new chapters are done. Any and all feedback is appreciated!

Ellie sat at the end of the bar, a glass of whiskey in her hand as the music played throughout the Tipsy Bison. Her gaze seemed to be focused on the two missing fingers on her left hand more than anything else, although she would find herself looking around the establishment just to see if she could see any sign of anyone familiar. The only familiar face she could pick out was Seth, the bartender who originally came off as a bigot but recently became somewhat of an unlikely acquaintance. While the two were on friendly terms, there was nothing the older man could offer to help Ellie with the situation she found herself in.

Ellie’s thoughts drifted briefly back to the beach in Santa Barbara. The overcast fog that enveloped her, Abby, and Lev as the three made their way to the boats still gave her a sense of bleakness that shook her. While she didn’t see the image of a bloody and tortured Joel anymore, she could pinpoint the exact moment she decided to provoke the fight. Hell, she could  _ feel  _ it. It was a subtle feeling in her gut, almost unnoticeable. Along with it came a mood change. Ellie inwardly cringed as she replayed everything in her mind. Threatening Lev, slicing up Abby’s arms, and finally having her drowned in that fucking ocean. Ellie had exactly what she wanted since seeing the fucking bitch stand over Joel’s lifeless body, bloody putter in hand. 

And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She couldn’t bring herself to kill Abby. 

She couldn’t say she forgave Abby entirely. Hell, she was barely ready to forgive Joel for lying about the events that occurred at the hospital all those years ago. She had just convinced herself to just make an effort to forgive him before it was all taken away. So, forgiving the person who took her surrogate father away was off the table. However, the time between her traveling from Santa Barbara back to Wyoming gave her a lot of time to reflect and contemplate. And while Ellie couldn’t forgive or forget, she understood.

Ellie knew that Joel wasn’t a good person. She knew Joel wasn’t a pillar of virtue. He never tried to hide it either. She could rationalize and  _ understand  _ Joel doing terrible things as a means to an end in a kill or be killed world. She didn’t necessarily agree with it, but she understood. His lie, for the longest time, was something she couldn’t understand. She had a hard time rationalizing why Joel would doom humanity to keep Ellie alive. It was a selfish act more than anything, and she couldn’t fathom it. 

It wasn’t until the night before Joel’s death that she finally understood his predicament. Having already lost his daughter when everything began, and being told that someone you held as close to you as your real daughter was going to be killed for an uncertainty (in his eyes) was not an easy situation to be in. And while she couldn’t bring herself to agree with his decision, she  _ understood  _ his decision. Her predicament with Abby was, to an extent, even more, personal than that.

Ellie resisted that idea for the longest time but she had no real rebuttal. It was much more personal because she had felt the overwhelming anger, hatred, and pain just as Abby had felt in the four years following her father’s death. Ellie had the same  _ fucking  _ obsession that Abby had, and like Abby, had lost everything as a direct result. The only reason Ellie could even sleep at night or look in the mirror at the broken husk of a woman she had become was the fact that she did the right thing.

Abby was so consumed by the concept of avenging her father that even when she was  _ begged  _ to stop and spare Joel, she didn’t. Abby brought the golf club down, and with that killing blow, she decided her revenge was much more important than the consequences thereafter. And while, ultimately, she  _ understood  _ why Abby killed Joel, she wasn’t like Abby. Hell, Ellie wasn’t even like Joel, as much as it pained her to admit. Ellie knew that in this world, violence begets violence. Killing Abby means she’s the next target, and then the cycle just continues. Ellie also didn’t enjoy killing people. She did it as a means to an end to survive, like Joel, but she didn’t enjoy it and she wasn’t desensitized to the brutality in which taking a life entails. 

These thoughts were interrupted by a soft hand on her left shoulder, causing Ellie to jump and whip around in her seat. The lighting of the Tipsy Bison came back into view, as well as the young woman who stood before her. With her dark hair tied into a ponytail, Dina took a seat next to Ellie and ordered herself a drink. “Hey,” she began, a bit uneasy. When Ellie returned to Jackson a month ago, she immediately sought out Dina. Ellie knew her ex-girlfriend wouldn’t easily forgive her, but Ellie wasn’t about to give up on what they had. Not again. 

“I thought I’d find you here when I didn’t find you at the bonfire,” she said, looking forward past the bar. An uneasy tension engulfed them like a torrential downpour or a raging wildfire. Both of them knew they needed to have a serious talk, and both of them knew it couldn’t be a public thing. The two were also incredibly stubborn, and neither of them wanted to be the one to start the proverbial powder keg that would ignite the conversation. 

Heaving a heavy sigh, Ellie downed her whiskey and kept her gaze on the glass in her hand. “I just wanted to be alone I guess.” she offered, not quite believing it herself. Ellie just didn’t want to deal with the disapproving stares she’d receive from Tommy. The last surviving member of the Miller clan had grown resentful of not only Ellie but rather everyone in Jackson following the confrontation with Abby in Seattle. Ellie could emphasize with his anger to an extent, but she wasn’t going to let Tommy completely walk all over her. 

Dina finished her glass and breathed a sigh of her own. It wasn’t hard for Dina to tell that Ellie wasn’t the same person she was a year ago. A year ago, Ellie was a hardened yet kind girl who had an affinity for dumb puns and was incredibly loyal to a fault. Now, Ellie was just broken. She had lost her father figure, she had lost one of her closest friends in Jesse, she lost Dina and JJ to an extent, and she had even lost two fingers. 

She was still angry that Ellie put her lust for revenge over their family, but she couldn’t just completely ignore the fact that she did still loved the red-haired young woman sitting beside her. Even if she didn’t love Ellie, she couldn’t bring herself to just abandon her. Ellie has lost too much, and while a lot of it was her fault, Dina couldn’t bring herself to just entirely shut herself out of Ellie’s life. Thinking of what to say next, Dina slightly pushed her glass away from her and turned to make eye contact with her former love.

“We have to stop avoiding this Ellie. Seriously. I miss you, JJ misses you, and I know things can’t immediately go straight back to the way they were, but I know we can make it work.” Dina’s brown eyes began to glisten as tears threatened to escape. “I don’t want to force you into a confrontation, but we are going to have to talk. You let me know when you’re ready to talk and we’ll talk. I’m always going to be here for you Ellie. Always.” Dina says as she takes Ellie’s hand and gives it a light squeeze.

Ellie’s lips form a slightly forced smile as she squeezed Dina’s hand in return. She knew Dina’s heart was in the right place but she also knew the conversation wasn’t going to be pretty. Dina let go of Ellie’s hand, said a quick goodbye, and rose from her seat before heading for the exit. “I’ll see you around Dina,” Ellie said as she watched her former love walk away. 

After a few minutes, Ellie herself left the establishment and headed towards her home. The air was still humid from the heat of a typical August day, but clouds forming in the distance signaled the approach of a thunderstorm. Ellie didn’t mind thunderstorms. She enjoyed drawing while a storm raged on outside, the raindrops beating against her roof as a clap of thunder further reminding the denizens of Jackson County of its presence. She wanted to eventually build a porch for her home, and add an awning so she could sit outside and draw a thunderstorm in progress.

Her thoughts were interrupted by her bumping into someone. She looked at an older man who had a bit of a limp about him. While she didn’t immediately recognize the man, she turned to him to make her apologies. When she did, she began to feel a bit uncomfortable. A new tension filled the air, and combined with the lingering humidity, made this all the more awkward. Ellie was the first to speak.

“Hey, Tommy.”


	2. Tommy

An unusually cool August day had engulfed Jackson County as Ellie prepared to make her way to a house she was not familiar with and did not recognize. While not blazing hot, there was enough heat to where Ellie just stuck to a black t-shirt and red flannel instead of donning a full-on hoodie. Jackson County residents bustled throughout the streets, attending to their daily tasks or running any necessary errands to fulfill their families' needs.

Family, Ellie thought to herself as she tried to maneuver her way through the city’s center. Must be nice to have a family. Ellie knew she could’ve had one of her own if she didn’t completely fuck it up. She can’t change the past, however, which she has come to begrudgingly accept. If she could change the past, however, there was a lot she would change. She could go back to her days with Riley and convince her to leave the mall a few minutes before the runners showed up. She could convince Joel of her desire to sacrifice herself to humanity. She could have forgiven Joel way earlier about the lie he told her. 

The house with worn blue paint became clear, and the sight of this structure broke her thoughts away from her guilt. Her thoughts then turned to the inevitable conversation about to unfold. She was only going to talk to Tommy at the behest of Maria. While Ellie felt her surrogate aunt was using her as a way to check in on her ex-husband, Ellie knew this was an obstacle that needed to be broached at some point.   
The walk to the porch seemed more like an automatic function. She felt like she was in a dream-like state moreso than a conscious decision to walk forward. When Ellie reached the porch, the door opened, almost as if Tommy had been expecting her. A disapproving look spread across his face, but there was also a hint of defeat that was caked into his features. To his credit, Tommy looked better than he did when Ellie last got a good look at him. The encounter a week ago didn’t offer such a chance as Tommy just huffed and walked away.

Tommy was leaner than he was when he sent Ellie on that revenge quest. His limp, as she noticed last week, was less noticeable. He seemed to be in somewhat better spirits but there was still a rift between her and the man she grew to love as family. Tommy for his part was struggling with having sent Ellie on that almost certain suicide mission. However, he was also struggling with the guilt of both Joel and Jesse’s deaths weighing on his shoulders. And the dichotomy in that was one of the more conflicting things Tommy has ever had to deal with emotionally. 

The older man sighed and stepped aside to allow Ellie inside. “Come on. Let’s get this bullshit over with.” Deciding to (uncharacteristically) allow the snarky comment to slide, Ellie made her way inside the home. She took in the interior and was rather impressed. The walls were repainted and the sky blue walls were a nice touch considering the worn paint on the exterior of the same color. A leather couch, much nicer than most in Jackson County, sat up against a wall on the right-hand side of the door. 

The smell of Linseed oil took her back to the days she’d watch Joel handcraft guitars or other items to trade with the residents in Jackson. It was one of the first times she remembered seeing Joel truly at peace and happy. Tommy’s footsteps walking past her shook her from her trance as the last surviving Miller brother made his way to the couch. He breathed a heavy sigh and began to speak, avoiding Ellie’s gaze. “I know you didn’t kill her. That’s fine. I just want to know why.”

Ellie was a bit taken aback but wasn’t too surprised that he knew the truth. For all the things she could say about Tommy at this moment, he wasn’t an idiot. She avoided the questioning gaze that Tommy had directed towards her and instead paced around in front of him for a minute, gathering her thoughts. She didn’t want to be around the fucking bush here, and after a deep breath to steel her nerves, she told Tommy the entire truth.

She told Tommy what happened with Dina the night she left. She regaled him in the stories of her travels through Las Vegas and being stuck in that damn basement. Then, she informed him of the Rattlers and her experiences with that fucked up group. And eventually, she revealed the fact that she found and fought Abby, but couldn’t bring herself to bring down the killing blow. After she was done talking, tears formed in her eyes and were threatening to burst forth. She couldn’t gage Tommy’s reaction to this news, and she was afraid of what it might be. Deep down, she loved Tommy almost as much as she loved Joel. And she didn’t want to lose him. 

Tommy kept his eyes to the floor after she finished her soliloquy. He didn’t know why, but he just felt angry. Not necessarily at Ellie, or at least he didn’t think it was directed at Ellie. He could tell she had been through a lot, but he was still just angry. “So you came back with nothing? She gets still walks around with that fucking kid while two of the people I loved most are in the fucking ground? And all so you can preach holier than thou Ellie? Is that it?” he spat, getting angrier as he spoke.

Ellie didn’t back down. “What would killing her do at this point, Tommy? Answer me that! I hate to break this news to you, and I hate bursting your bubble, but killing Abby won’t bring Joel back. Killing Abby doesn’t make it so Jesse is walking through town again. If it did I would have killed her as soon as I saw her and not think twice about it, but it solves nothing right now.”

“Oh, that’s such fucking bullshit!” Tommy seethed. He stood up himself and walked to the opposite side of the room, near the kitchen. He attempted to steel himself but both of them knew he was breaking. He just missed Joel and Jesse so much. Joel was his brother, and Jesse was like a son to him. He wanted all of this to be over but he couldn’t help but feel like everything wasn’t right. 

“Their deaths mean fucking nothing now. You realize that right? I mean if we want to get right down to the bottom of it, you ain’t really care too much about Joel his last few years. I reckon you probably didn’t care too goddamn much about his death either did you?!” Tommy said, not quite stepping in her face but walking in her direction. 

“You have no fucking clue what happened between Joel and me!”

“That’s not true Ellie! I know what happened!” Tommy dropped the bombshell on Ellie as she was now fully taken aback. She just looked at Tommy in disbelief, and this caused Tommy to run a hand through his dirty blonde hair and soften a little bit. “He told me right after you guys first arrived from Salt Lake City. Swore to him that I’d take it to the grave if I had to. And trust me, I would have.” Tommy fought back tears before continuing. 

“I know it couldn’t have been easy, but that man loved you more than anything on this planet. If he hadn't met you, he probably would’ve been dead way earlier than he was. And while I thank you for giving him a reason to live, I can’t let go of the fact that it kind of means nothing now.” Tommy finished as he seemed to quietly break. He sat back down on his couch and cried silently. After a minute, he looked back up to Ellie to see if she had anything more to say.

It was at this moment that Tommy actually took a good look at Ellie. She looked broken, legitimately broken. She was tired, exhausted, and just lost. He then noticed the two missing fingers on her left hand. His eyes, wet with the tears he had just cried before, softened in disbelief. He sighed, the guilt of sending her on that mission hitting him like a truck. 

“Just go, Ellie. Just go. I’m sorry.” Tommy spoke as he slowly got up and went upstairs. Ellie stood there in shock for a moment, not knowing what to think. The closing of a door upstairs prevented her from diving too deep in her thoughts. Ellie went over to the stairs and climbed a few steps before speaking to seemingly the ether, “I let her go to stop the cycle, Tommy. I feel like shit for how I treated Joel those two years and I don’t know how to change that. But I don’t want to lose you Tommy...and Joel wouldn’t want us to fight like this.”

She half expected him to charge out of whatever room he was in and scream up another storm, but when this didn’t happen, she just heaved another sigh. Walking back down the stairs, she left one more thought to ring out for Tommy to hear before exiting.

“I’ve already lost everything Tommy. I don’t want to lose you too. I’ll see you around.”


	3. An Unfortunate Event

Ellie sat at the edge of her bed as the game entered its final stages. While never having physically played or seen a game of football in her life, she’d be remiss to say that playing it on the game console Tommy found for her wasn’t fun. It was the fourth quarter, and her New England Patriots were down by a field goal. She only had a minute on the clock and no timeouts. It was now or never, she needed to win this game to make the playoffs.

A couple of plays didn’t go her way and the clock dropped to 30 seconds. On fourth down, she decided to go with a “Hail Mary” play. She snapped the ball and her quarterback dropped back. She looked for an open receiver, and when she didn’t see much that she liked, he just threw the ball up and hoped for a miracle. The ball was easily going to land in the endzone. She sat with bated breath to see who would come down with the football. The ball was starting to drop, inching closer to the chaotic group of players all jockeying for position. She leaned forward, and…

_ Knock, knock, knock _

Ellie jumped as she saw the ball be caught by one of her guys for the win. She calmed her breathing and let out a quiet “fuck yeah” as she got up to see who would be knocking at her door at this time. Opening the door, it took her a minute to process that the dark-haired girl at the door was  _ not  _ Dina. The realization hit her like an 18-wheeler as the awkwardness of the situation rapidly intensified. It was Ellie who broke the silence.

“Hey, Cat. What are you doing here?” Ellie questioned, a bit more harshly than originally anticipated. 

Cat sighed, avoiding Ellie’s gaze as she tried to find the words she wanted to say. The late summer heat made things difficult, but a nice easterly breeze gave the two former lovers a respite. Finding the courage to look at Ellie again, Cat begins simply, “I moved back not too long ago. I heard you had been through some shit and I wanted to see if you were okay.” 

Ellie’s head dropped as another reminder of her escapades in Seattle and Santa Barbara returned to her. She had been doing well recently. She hadn’t seen or spoken to Tommy since the confrontation at his home, but things with Dina were improving. The two still needed to talk about her leaving, but the two were at least at the stage where they were comfortable staying at each other’s houses again. There was still a ways to go, but Ellie couldn’t be too upset with where her life was at currently.

“Yeah, you can say that. I’m fine though, thank you. How about you? What happened to the settlement in Boise?” It was Ellie’s turn to ask questions now as she gestured for Cat to come inside. The former garage turned shack was clean for the most part, with the biggest offender being dust that had collected since Ellie’s return and wasn’t cleaned immediately. Ellie looked at Cat and, while still finding the older and more outgoing girl beautiful, she noticed that Cat didn’t invoke the same feelings in her that Dina did.  _ Makes sense, seeing as how everything ended,  _ Ellie thought to herself. 

Cat scanned her brown eyes around the room for a place to sit. While heading towards the couch, she caught a glimpse of the paused football game on the TV across the room. “What’s that?” Cat asked, hoping to once again break the awkwardness. Ellie spun around, having forgotten about the thrilling win just moments earlier. “Oh yeah, it’s called Madden 13. I don’t know who Madden is but this was a popular football game back in the Old World.” Seeing Cat’s puzzled expression at the mention of football, Ellie explained what she had learned from Joel while adding that she had taken an interest after Tommy found the game a few years back.

Cat nodded, before drawing in a slow, almost pained breath. “Boise was a shitshow. It was fine at first but the settlement was raided not too long ago. My parents…” she let the thought hang in the dusty and slightly humid air of the garage. Ellie didn’t need to ask. She felt sick for her former friend and joined her on the couch as the girl’s eyes began to water. The awkwardness returned as Ellie placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Cat calmed herself, drew in a deep breath, and let it out before continuing. “I just had no real sense of direction anymore. So, I decided to come back here. Boise never felt like home if I’m completely honest. And I know I have a lot of shit to fix, so I thought I’d come to see you.”

Ellie was trying to process what exactly it was Cat was trying to get at before another knock at her door. She rose to answer and saw Dina standing there, a warm smile plastered on her face. She hugged Ellie but froze when she saw a distressed Cat sitting on the couch before her. Sputtering for words, Dina just held on to Ellie for what seemed like hours before Cat stood, awkwardly announced her intention to depart, and moved past the two and went down the street. Dina, letting go of Ellie, shot her best friend a questioning look while the older girl just kept her eyes on her returning ex. 

_ Life fucking hates me, doesn’t it?  _ She thought to herself before beginning to contemplate a plan to explain all of that to Dina. Before that conversation, Ellie had a very important visit to keep.

* * *

It was Ellie’s first visit to the Jackson City Cementary since the day after Joel’s passing, and that was something that she kicked herself about every day. The walk to the field where one of the most important people in her life now rests was unexpectedly peaceful. A bright Sunday afternoon was in full effect over the settlement as the denizens once again settled into their routines. As fall approached, the weather became chillier by the day, and children now ran around in sweaters and light zip-up hoodies.

It brought a calming presence for the broken girl who had seen her life flipped on its head so much over the past six years. She spent so much of her life training to be a soldier, and even back then she couldn’t see herself working under FEDRA auspices. Her kissing Riley reinforced her belief that she wasn’t a soldier, and the cordyceps forced her hand when she was bitten. Then, Joel came into her life.  _ Fucking Joel _ . The man who meant so much to her over these past few years. The person she loved more than anyone, yet also hated more than anyone in the same vein. And before she knew it, he was gone, and she realized her greatest fear: ending up alone.

The rest of Ellie’s walk to Joel’s grave consisted of these types of thoughts invading her senses. The calming presence of an early autumn breeze kept her from getting lost in her head, but it didn’t stop her from dwelling on  _ fucking everything  _ that had happened since she had met Joel. These thoughts only subsided when Joel’s grave came in to view. The sight of the tombstone drove any calming presence the weather provided away. Her eyes began to water as she slowly, almost methodically, approached the gravesite. 

Taking in a deep breath, Ellie sat on the ground in front of the tombstone and began mindlessly picking at the dirt that packed Joel’s corpse into the Earth. Words usually escaped Ellie with ease, and this time was no different. Even a year and a half later, this was all just surreal to her. The engraved “Joel Miller” on the cobblestone tombstone was not a sight Ellie could ever get used to. The mere thought that Joel was dead was not something Ellie thought she could ever get used to. 

Another deep breath escaped Ellie’s nose as she began to fidget a bit. She didn’t know where to begin, but she decided to say the first thing that came to her mind. “I’m sorry Joel.  _ I am so fucking sorry Joel.  _ You’re dead and it’s my fault. I could have saved you, but I was so scared when I saw you just lying there.” Tears were flowing now as everything hit her like a MAC truck. And for once in her life, she wasn’t ashamed of her crying. It felt natural at this moment. Almost as if Joel was sitting there next to her, crying heavy tears, and reassuring her that everything was okay. She was still his baby girl. 

By the time she stopped crying, Ellie noticed that the sun was beginning to set. She had a date of sorts with Dina and with her overall personal life-improving, she didn’t want to fuck this up. Ellie stood to leave, but before she walked away, she looked back towards the grave. “I fucking wish I could see you again Joel,” she whispered before walking backward away from the gravesite. 

As she walked, she began to hear shouting in the distance, and upon turning around, she saw a decent-sized crowd gathered around the source of the shouting. She decided to check it out and jogged her way towards the interested party of onlookers. When she was close enough to make out what was being said, she froze. She recognized the two voices easily. The shouters were Dina and Cat, and the topic of conversation was Ellie. She didn’t pay any mind to the crowd. She made her way through and stood in the middle of the two combatants. Both could see that Ellie had been crying, and one look over their shoulders had revealed the reason why, at least to Dina. 

“Ellie, let’s go. We don’t need to be around scum pieces of shit who hurt those they claim to love,” Dina said, stepping in front of Ellie and attempting to grab her three-fingered hand. When Dina made this advance, Cat threw a punch towards Dina. However, Dina ducked, and Cat was unable to stop her fist from striking Ellie straight in the face. Ellie fell back and upon hitting the ground, whipped her head back. It didn’t smack the concrete, but it made Ellie’s vision start to go dark and caused her ears to ring. The last thing she remembered before everything went black was three concerned figures rushing to her aide. 

* * *

At first, Ellie thought she was dead. The darkness of her losing consciousness gave way to an almost blinding white light. She had to shield her eyes at some point because it started to hurt just staring forward. Eventually, the light gave way, and she was on a porch. It was way too cold to be a September evening, and the snow on the ground around her confirmed that it wasn’t a September evening. Looking down, she noticed that she was wearing an olive green jacket, blue jeans, and tan work boots Joel had gifted her for Christmas one year as a joke.

  
It hit her almost immediately. This porch...was  _ Joel’s.  _ Ellie couldn’t comprehend what the fuck was happening and the sound of the door opening prevented her from dwelling on it. Turning around, an older, greying man stepped out. His tan jacket over a light blue button-up shirt shielded him from the cold. The tired, depressed look on his face caused Ellie a pang of guilt. She knew who this was, and she knew the cause of this look. His gaze finally found hers, and in a familiar southern drawl, he finally spoke. 

“Hey there, kiddo.”


	4. A Tortured Memory

Ellie wasn’t an idiot. She knew that the Joel that was in front of her wasn’t real. She knew this was some sort of illusion, maybe a memory. Looking around and taking in her surroundings, she felt the setting almost mirrored the night of their last conversation. Ellie, acting out of her usual stubbornness, crossed her arms. “You’re not real, Joel,” she stated as her eyes stared daggers at the ethereal figure before her. 

Sighing, Joel couldn’t deny the accusation. And just like the night of their last conversation, he leaned over the porch to gather his thoughts. “I know,” he began with a pained sigh escaping his lips. “Remember this night? You have no idea how long I had been hoping to hear that you’d at least be willing to try forgiving me.” Tears threatened to burst from his eyes as Joel, or at the very least, the memory of Joel avoided Ellie’s gaze. “After you left, I went inside and thanked the Lord you were willing to give me a chance.”

Ellie joined Joel in leaning over the porch, and the similarities to that night keep presenting themselves. All of the emotions Ellie thought that she had buried and let go off long ago threatened to bubble to the surface. The conversation she had with Joel’s tombstone was ringing throughout her head, and a part of her knew that the figure of Joel she was in the company of right now had heard her. That fact was incredibly jarring to her. 

“I meant what I said...at the grave. I am sorry Joel. But there are still a few things I still need to know. The first being, why? That was my chance to be something, to  _ fucking matter  _ and all I have now are more questions than answers. I’ve gotten over the anger of it all but I still need to know why.”

Joel choked up but steeled himself quickly. He wished, especially now, that he had more time with Ellie to fully explain things. He honestly wished that he didn’t trust Abby that day, and that regret is something his memory will forever have to deal with. Truthfully, he had no clue as to who she was and why she did what she did, but he couldn’t necessarily say he wasn’t at peace with his death. 

Ever since the cordyceps outbreak began back in 2013, Joel only wanted two things. Two things that he had taken for granted pre-outbreak that, subconsciously, he was seeking in the post-outbreak world. More than anything, Joel wanted to live in a society and he wanted to be a father again. And his relationship in Ellie, both directly and inadvertently, granted him both of those desires. It was easily the most peaceful time he had experienced in the 25 years since the outbreak. 

When Ellie pushed him away, it broke him. The depression he had experienced in the early post-outbreak days came rushing back. It hit Joel even worse this time because when it came to Sarah, she was taken from him and he hadn’t caused her that pain. With Ellie, he was the entire reason she was in anguish, and she was actively going out of her way to keep him from making things right. It was a dichotomy that tortured Joel up until his death. 

Joel only pulled himself from this bout of introspection when he realized that it had started to snow. The moonlight glistening off of the snow already on the ground was something he missed about his life in Jackson. Looking downcast at the dusting of snow on his porch, Joel began, “Your life did matter, and it still does. You mean more to this world live than you do if you had died for an uncertainty. And I hate to break it to you Ellie but it was an uncertainty. Even if they had developed a vaccine, how would they have gotten it out to everyone? What would have stopped the Fireflies from just keeping it for themselves?” Joe explained.

“You keep basing your worth off of your immunity, but you are so much more than that Ellie. You matter to me. Your life matters to me. Your life matters to Dina and JJ. Your life matters to Maria. We didn’t see you as the immune girl, we saw more in you than that. I just wish you could see it.” Joel finished as he broke down and began sobbing quietly. The fact that he wasn’t there to say these things to her in person was the single most painful thing he had experienced, alive or dead. 

Ellie, absorbing the shock that this memory of Joel knew about JJ, moved to consol the broken figure next to her. And she would be remiss if she said that his words didn’t fuck with her in some way. She honestly hadn’t thought of how others viewed or thought of her. The fact that she had people who cared about her, while once an uncomfortable thing she had trouble adjusting to, wasn’t anything special in hindsight. Her immunity, however, was something that no one else had. It made her special, to a certain extent. That was what made her base everything on the worth of her immunity. The cross country trek with Joel was the surest of herself she had ever felt, and in part due to her confidence that her immunity  _ meant something. _

However, she had to admit that the main reason she felt so sure of herself during that time was Joel. She finally felt like someone cared about her. She felt like she had found someone who would never abandon her. He was always there too. When she had nightmares over Sam and Henry’s deaths, when David had nearly killed her _ ,  _ even when she had pushed him away. He was always there and had always kept a watchful eye. Still, the revelation that her life meant more to him than even the potential of saving humanity affected her in a way she didn’t expect.

Joel composed himself after a minute, and when he did, Ellie threw herself into him with a tight embrace. She was on the verge of breaking, and the unspoken message of the hug compelled the two to stay in comfortable silence. How long they stayed that way, Ellie was unsure. Joel was the first to break the silence, “I need you to keep fighting Ellie. I’m so proud of you and what you’ve become, and I need you to keep going. Help Dina raise JJ, help Maria around Jackson, and please for the love of God keep an eye on my baby brother. Please.”

Ellie nodded against Joel’s chest as the tears silently fell down her face. In a sense, this conversation gave her so much. Above all, it gave her a new sense of purpose that she admittedly didn’t have anymore. For the first time, she felt she had more to give people than just being some beacon of hope for humanity. She could be there for people the way Joel probably wished someone could have been there for him when everything went to shit. Once again, Joel broke the silence. “Speaking of my baby brother, wait here.”

Joel broke the embrace and went inside the house. Ellie sat down in the chair Joel was sitting in the night the two had their final conversation. She noticed Joel’s guitar was there, and instinctively picked it up. This was also the first time she noticed that she had all 10 of her fingers in this memory. Mindlessly picking at the strings on the guitar gave Ellie a freeing feeling she hadn’t felt in a very long time. It didn’t dawn on her until Joel had returned that she was playing Future Days again.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Joel asked, leaning against the door and already knowing the answer. “I’m glad you kept my guitar. I hope someone can enjoy that again someday.” Joel crouched down near Ellie and reached inside his jacket to pull out a polaroid picture. Ellie took it in her hands, and a smile crossed her face. The picture was of Tommy and Maria, seemingly from their wedding day. Tommy, dressed to the nines in his tuxedo, wore a big smile as he wrapped around Maria, who’s wedding gown fit perfectly and flowed behind her immaculately. 

“I found this up by that hydroelectric power plant a few weeks before I passed. I went up that way to check on the turbines after those unusually cold temperatures. I had been meaning to give this to Tommy, but...you know.” Joel’s eyes seemed ready to burst with tears again, and Ellie nodded at the unspoken request of her father figure. The setting around them became brighter, and Joel sighed, avoiding Ellie’s eyes. 

“You’re waking up,” Joel stated simply. Ellie put the picture in her pocket and clung to Joel in one last embrace before that blinding white light engulfed her again.

* * *

  
  


Ellie woke up in a hospital bed and a hospital gown. Jackson had a very sophisticated medical facility for the times they lived in. They had access to medicines other settlements had never heard of, and a whole neighborhood of former medical professionals who were able to keep Jackson residents healthier than most settlements could. Scanning the room, she was surprised to see Tommy sitting next to the bed. His eyes showed a great sense of relief with her waking up. The doctors said she likely had only suffered a concussion, and while it wasn’t something to take lightly, she was in no real danger. 

The event put things into perspective for Tommy, however. Today, it was a concussion. Tomorrow, however, it could be worse. He never got the chance to truly say goodbye to his brother, and he wasn’t going to take his time with his adopted niece for granted. “Hey Ellie, I’ll let the doctors know you’re awake,” he said before leaving the room quickly. When he returned, he was accompanied by a nurse and the head doctor. They spoke to Ellie for a minute, told her about their diagnosis, and advised that she get some more rest as she’d be kept overnight.

When they left, Ellie asked Tommy to bring her the jeans she had been wearing. She had a sneaking suspicion that she hadn’t necessarily dreamt that encounter with Joel, even though she knew it wasn’t real. Digging into her pocket, she found the picture Joel’s memory had given her, and without a word, gave that picture to her adopted uncle.

A shocked expression worked its way across his face when he realized what he had just been given. He flipped the picture over to look at the back and flipped it back over to see the front. After doing this a couple of times, Tommy’s eyes met Ellie’s. She could read her elder’s expression, but she didn’t feel the sense of resentment his usual stares towards her entailed. His hand began shaking and with a false sense of bravado, he simply asked how she obtained the picture in hand. 

“Joel gave it to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all of the completed chapters thus far. I am currently working on Chapter 5: I Turn To You, so be on the lookout for that. I have the story pretty much all mapped out through until the end, so updates shouldn't be too few and far between. I am fighting with my University right now over a few things, but hopefully, that won't distract me too much. I hope you all enjoy!


	5. I Turn To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my haste to put this story up on Ao3, I realized I forgot a few housekeeping items in regards to this story. The story begins one month after Ellie returns to the farm. She ends up retrieving her belongings at some point before Chapter 1 at the behest of Maria and begins to pick up the pieces. I originally didn't plan on writing a scene where she returns to Jackson, but I might include it in a flashback if you guys are interested. It's important to note that Ellie does grab Joel's guitar. You'll know why it's important here in a few chapters
> 
> Also, the conversations with Joel's memory were inspired by an episode of Bones where Dr. Brennan is shot with a blood bullet, and while unconscious, has conversations with the memory of her mother. 
> 
> I currently plan on this being 12 chapters, but I'm not entirely sure yet. We'll have to see. Enjoy!

The white light blinded Ellie once more after she had drifted off into a peaceful rest. She wasn’t scared of this like she was the first time. She knew that  _ he  _ would be waiting on the other side, which made Ellie’s heart soar. She’d never admit it, but she held the most significant soft spot for the man who is primarily responsible for her being alive today. The fact that this was the only way to see him anymore left her feeling worried in the heart. 

The light dissipated, and she stood in front of him, but the surroundings weren’t the same. Red lights hung from the ceiling and danced on the church pews that were usually set in the middle of the room yet were moved off to the side. Music played in the background, and while Ellie could barely make out the lyrics, she remembered the song. It had played the night Dina had kissed her. It played the night she lashed out at Joel in front of everyone. It was one of their last moments together. 

Joel noticed the shift in the room as she remembered the memory. The guilty energy consumed the room entirely like smoke from a smoke machine. It cut deep anytime he saw Ellie in any sort of anguish, but he would often smile, even when she pushed her away. Joel never doubted for a second that Ellie would be the woman she was meant to be, and he knew her immunity had nothing to do with that fact. He knew she had a good head on her shoulders, and when she eventually ventured out on her own, she’d be fine. 

He never expected that time to come so soon, however. Ellie wasn’t sure she had expected it to be so sudden, especially now. Yet, Joel was able to slightly ease the ache in his soul when he saw Ellie blossom on her own. She found herself in a stable friendship group, and always had her three main friends by her side. He had also learned that one of those friends, Cat, was more than that. He felt disappointed she never came out to him directly, but he understood, given the circumstances.

Joel walked over to one side of the room and took a seat on one of the dusty pews. He waited for Ellie to join him before speaking. “How come you never told me about Cat?” he questioned, curiosity seeping through every syllable. She was taken aback by the question, but she was elated their conversation wouldn’t be about heartbreak or guilt. Shifting in place, keeping her gaze down on the floor, she answered. “I don’t really know. We became official days before I went to Salt Lake. She was so open about everything that I figured you had already known or were bound to find out at some point.”

Joel gave an understanding nod, but the redheaded girl kept going. “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything. Guess my pride got in the way. Also didn’t help that Cat and I had a pretty brutal falling out not too long after I came back.” This wasn’t news to Joel, despite the fact he didn’t know much more than anyone else really. The blowup was so unexpected and so calculated, part of him wondered if it was supposed to have been a public display or if things became so volatile that it didn’t matter. 

Joel remembered the day for two reasons. The first reason was that their exchange was the first real public shouting match he had ever seen in Jackson. The second reason was that it was the only time Ellie came to him for anything in that year before their final conversation. They had some small talk after that, but this was the only time Ellie actually felt compelled to fucking vent out her frustrations. And there wasn’t a soul she trusted more than Joel Miller, despite her desire to talk to anyone but.

“It was actually how I found out about you two. I was coming home from Esther’s house when I noticed the crowd. I couldn’t believe my damn eyes when I saw the two of you in each other’s faces like that. You never did tell me what exactly happened. Reckon that’s to stay between the two of you.” Joel recalled as visions from the day began to dance in his head.

* * *

**_3 Years Ago_ **

_ Joel walked through the streets of Jackson as the sun began to set on another day. He took in the crisp late summer air and smiled to himself as he advanced towards his home. Joel and his girlfriend, Esther, had just celebrated their first anniversary. The greying Texan never thought he’d ever care for anyone but himself in this CBI infested world. Then, he found Ellie, and after settling into Jackson, he met Esther. Jackson gave him everything he had wanted since the outbreak began, and he couldn’t be happier.  _

_ The sound of a crowd disrupted his thoughts. Small at first but quickly gaining in size. Shouting could be heard, even though Joel was well away from the group. His intrigue got the best of him, and he decided to see what all of the fuss was about. Upon inching closer, he recognized one of the voices as belonging to Ellie. “That explains why I’m getting weird looks,” Joel thought to himself. People in the crowd made room for him to move to the front.  _

_ Ellie was there, cheeks red and tear-stained, with her arms crossed, looking at the dark-haired girl in front of her. Joel had seen her around but never caught a name. He assumed, based on the fact that he recognized Jesse and Dina, that this was Cat. Cat wore an expression of anger and...disappointment? Joel couldn’t tell with kids these days. Jesse saw Joel in the crowd and mouthed, “I don’t know, ask Dina.” If the eldest Miller hadn’t recognized the seriousness of the situation, he might have audibly laughed at the young man throwing his girlfriend under the bus.  _

_ “Ellie, what the fuck was I supposed to do? It wasn’t like you were there for me. You were too fucking busy wrapped around her fucking finger.” Cat nodded her head in the direction of Dina, her tone seeping with accusatory venom.  _

_ “Maybe you should’ve fucking talked to me instead of sleeping with the first girl you saw, did you think of that?” Ellie spat back without missing a beat. _

_ That caused Joel to pause, as more and more eyes found him. Sleep with the first girl you saw? A clearly disingenuous comment, but Joel was left scratching his head as to what the hell was happening here. Words were spoken and tears were shed, but the confrontation seemed to go by in a haze as Joel tried to piece everything together while ultimately powerless because he wasn’t a part of Ellie’s life any longer.  _

_ The next thing Joel knew, after a particularly loud bit of arguing, Ellie had pushed the other girl to the ground. And with a look of hatred usually reserved for him these days, Ellie told the girl she never wanted to see her again. _

* * *

A playful punch to the arm pulled Joel out of this weird memory-inside-a-memory state. “Fucker, I knew you weren’t listening,” Ellie said with a chuckle. Joel gave a small smile as Ellie reiterated what she had been saying. “JJ is walking now. I’m thinking of having him visit your grave. I feel like it’s important for him to know his Grandpa Joel.” Ellie flashed a loving smile towards her adoptive father. 

He had to admit, he was touched. He never thought he’d ever be a grandfather, and while  _ technically  _ JJ wasn’t his grandchild, it filled his heart with joy knowing he was considered as such. He looked ahead after a minute, and sighed again. “I gotta say I am proud of you kiddo. You steppin’ up to make sure that kid has a chance at a decent life. You’ve become the woman I always knew you could be. I hope you know that.” Joel said, his voice wavering a bit at the end.

“And for what it’s worth, I’m glad you didn’t kill her.” He added.

That almost broke Ellie, but not entirely. She wanted to see his reaction to this next bit of news. Drawing in a breath, she steeled herself as best she could. “You know why we picked JJ right?” After a moment, Joel answered with the obvious  _ Jesse Junior, right?  _ That Dina and Ellie had received for the past two years almost. The auburn-haired girl chuckled. “It’s not Jesse Junior, old man. We named him after the two most important men in his life. His father, Jesse, and his Grandpa. It’s Jesse-Joel.”

He damn near burst into tears when he heard this news. Instead, Joel wrapped Ellie in a tight hug, trying to keep his shit together, and breathlessly thanked her profusely. She couldn’t help but smile and lean into the embrace, taking in the same wood oil scent she remembered him having. After a minute, they broke the embrace. Looking ahead again, Ellie noticed Joel’s guitar propped up against a pew on the other side of the church. Without a word, she retrieved the object as Joel was wiping any offending tear that dare fell from his eye. 

She sat down, and looked towards him again. “I don’t think I’ve ever returned the favor in terms of playing guitar for you. Cat showed me this song before we had that huge blow up, and I thought of you. Promise me, you won’t laugh?” She asked the question in a mock Texan drawl with a smirk on her face. After receiving an answer in the affirmative, Ellie began playing.

_ When I'm lost in the rain _

_ In your eyes I know I'll find the light _

_ To light my way _

_ And when I'm scared _

_ And losing ground _

_ When my world is going crazy _

_ You can turn it all around _

_ Pushing me to the top _

_ You're always there _

_ Giving me all you've got _

  
  


Joel was taken aback at not only her proficiency with the guitar, but her voice. When she really wanted to, Ellie had an incredible singing voice. The lyrics came out effortlessly, and he knew it was coming from the heart.

_ For a shield from the storm _

_ For a friend, for a love _

_ To keep me safe and warm _

_ I turn to you _

_ For the strength to be strong _

_ For the will to carry on _

_ For everything you do _

_ For everything that's true _

_ I turn to you _

Ellie finished her rendition of the song, tears brimming her eyes as she set the guitar down beside her. One look over at her father figure told her that her decision to play the song was correct. He had loved every second of it, and that made her heart soar once again. However, as if it was waiting for this moment, the white light showed up once again. She was waking up, and since she was leaving the hospital that night, this would be her final time seeing Joel.

As the light engulfed the room, they embraced one final time, and as his image was fleeting, Ellie could hear Joel’s memory clear as day.

“I love you, kiddo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Ellie sings is "I Turn To You" by Christina Aguilera. While I don't think Ellie would be into Ms. Aguilera all that much, I think she'd find something intriguing about this song. The Genius page for this song quotes Christina as saying that her mother was the focal point of this song, so I feel okay using this song as a vehicle for Ellie to express the love she feels for Joel. Although Joel is not a mother, he is one of the most badass father's ever imo.
> 
> Let me know if you want to see more flashbacks. This was the first one I had ever written. I'm down to do more, and even expand on parts of the story in separate one-shots if you're interested.


	6. Family Ties

Ellie had been discharged from the clinic for about a week and had already slipped back into her routine. She woke up, visited with Dina and JJ, and then took off to hang around the Tipsy Bison until Dina was off work. Although Maria hadn’t put her to work this week, it felt as if nothing had changed. It was such an effortless retransition into daily life that Ellie often forgot that she was laid up in the town’s clinic, to begin with. 

She hadn’t seen Cat since the incident outside the cemetery gates, and the auburn-haired young woman wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about her ex-girlfriend. On the one hand, Ellie was rather upset with being punched in the fact.  _ That fucking sucked  _ and briefly made her thoughts drift back to the theatre in Seattle. She had even had her first panic attack since returning to Wyoming the night she was released. It passed rather quickly, but the event was still jarring. Ellie knew these visions would likely never permanently go away, but she was proud of how infrequent they were these days. 

On the other hand, she wasn’t mad at Cat. She didn’t feel the desire to exude the energy required to be mad at her in the first place. One positive thing that came out of the venture to Santa Barbara was Ellie’s realization that she wasn’t Joel. He likely would have held that punch against Cat if he were in Ellie’s position. He wasn’t trusting to begin with, and something like that would be viewed as a violation of that trust. He didn’t care if the haymaker was inadvertent. The damage was done in his eyes. 

She understood the mentality. Hell, she had spent a vast majority of the last five and a half years trying to emulate it desperately. However, Santa Barbara shook her. The anger, the pain, the sorrow, it all took its toll on her. It was a place Ellie never wanted to visit again. Holding a grudge had nearly killed her, and she wasn’t about to welcome another grievance. Especially over something as fucking frivolous as an emotionally charged punch that wasn’t intended for her. 

Ellie’s thoughts kept drifting back to that incident as she lay in bed. She didn’t know why, but she couldn’t get over it. In hindsight, it hurt to see two people she genuinely cared about at each other’s throats like that. She was on her way to patching things up with Dina, but she also couldn’t disregard Cat like that. Not after she had lost both her parents so suddenly and soon. The emotions of Joel’s death were still too fucking raw to handle sometimes. She wouldn’t let her friend wallow in those feelings alone. 

Ellie decided two things at that moment. First, she’d have to visit Cat. She needed to talk with her and smooth a few things over. She also wanted the raven-haired woman to know that she wasn’t alone. Loneliness can be crushing, but Cat would never experience it. The second task the adopted member of the Miller clan set her mind to was much more difficult. Not only was it improbable to work, but it was also a bit of a logistical nightmare.

And yet, Ellie was determined to get Dina and Cat in the same room, to mediate whatever confrontation the two needed to have. There was history there that Ellie couldn’t fully understand. There was more to the story than Ellie had witnessed, but she was hellbent on making sure these two didn’t continue to hate each other until the end of time. And while it was hard work, it was hard work worth doing. 

She was sure she heard that in some weird children’s movie one time.

Any further thoughts about the only two girlfriends she ever had were interrupted by a knock at her door. Ellie propped herself up on her elbows, the slight headache she had been nursing reminding her of its presence. Another couple of beats drew Ellie out of her bed, a frustrated sigh escaping her lips. She swung the door open, making no attempt to hide her annoyance.

“Look, I don’t know wha…” Ellie began before she recognized the woman at her door. 

“Hmm, it seems like you’re already back to yourself.” Maria chimed, amusement slightly creeping into her tone. 

“Oh, sorry, Maria. I just...wasn’t expecting company.” Ellie said, her voice suddenly sounding relatively small.

Maria was a pillar in not only the Jackson community but in Ellie’s life. The matriarch of the settlement never seemed to wear the stresses of her life. Daily tasks such as maintaining patrol groups, overseeing farm and livestock production, and maintaining private housing never seemed to wear on her externally. If something bothered her, Maria kept it bottled inside and kept her cool around the public. It was a feat that Ellie couldn’t help but admire. 

“It’s alright, kid. I just wanted to drop off some leftovers we had. Tommy’s been wanting me to come over ever since the clinic let you out.” she said, handing the redhead a container of food. 

The mention of Tommy kicked Ellie’s mental gears into action once more. Things between the two had been improving ever since their confrontation at his house. He had been by her beside a lot during her short stay in the clinic. It made Ellie not only happy but proud. Things seemed to be improving in his life, as well, and he seemed to have let go of the Abby situation in his own way. She hoped that he could grow from this situation in the healthiest way possible. 

Ellie took the container of food from her adopted aunt, but Maria wasn’t done. “If you’re not doing anything tonight, you should come over and have dinner with us.” It was more of a command than a request, and Ellie knew she had no choice. If she were honest with herself, she’d probably have accepted the invitation anyway. 

After a few minutes of planning, Maria bid the auburn-haired young woman goodbye, and Ellie proceeded to get ready for her first “family night” in years.

* * *

She loved both Tommy and Maria dearly, but family nights with them were nothing compared to the nights she and Joel spent together. She didn’t have the same connection with Joel’s brother and sister-in-law that she did with the late Texan. Still, she didn’t mind their company. And she’d be hard-pressed to say that the night hadn’t been pleasant. It was surprisingly easy how Ellie and Tommy seemed to slip into easy, almost friendly conversation. There was still something hanging in the air, but she was glad that their relationship wasn’t irreparable. 

After the meal of roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans was put away, the three sat around the dining room table. A comfortable silence fell over the three, and Ellie could tell there was something on their minds. Maria cleared her throat, and in her pattened serious tone, broke the silence. “Ellie, we were curious as to what your plans were, in terms of staying here in Jackson.”

To be truthful, Ellie hadn’t thought about leaving, but there was also no real inward commitment to stay. Honestly, Ellie never thought about it. She was moreso focused on repairing the relationships around her, and repairing herself. The adopted member of the Miller family had nowhere else to go, but she’d be lying if she said she wanted to go anywhere else. She relayed this to the two adults in front of her.

A small smile crept up on Tommy’s face, and a look of relief crawled into his eyes. “With that settled, we were wondering if you had any interest in going back out on patrols? I know you’ve been through a lot, so we’re leaving the choice up to you. We do, however, want you to become more involved here. Maria and I won’t be around forever, and there isn’t a more trusted name around here than Miller.”

Even after five years of being apart of Joel’s family, it was still weird for Ellie to hear her be mentioned with them. Especially after Joel’s death, she didn’t really feel as if she deserved to share his name. Looking back, she was extremely happy Joel allowed her to change her name. They might not have been family by blood, but they definitely were a family, and this helped her feel closer to Joel. 

She pushed those thoughts aside to ponder patrols. There was absolutely no doubt in her mind that she was good at patrol. She was one of, if not the best shot in Jackson. She had more experience outside the walls than most people who lived inside the walls. And despite that, Ellie couldn’t envision herself going on patrol anymore. She had a lot of anger bottled up inside of her still, but unlike Seattle, she was afraid of it now. It didn’t bring her a sick form of comfort, nor did she want to lash out anymore. Not anymore, when she was trying to get everything together. She had too much to lose, too much she didn’t want to lose. 

“I’m sorry guys, but I can’t. I don’t have that in me anymore.” Ellie said, resolute in her answer. 

To her surprise, Maria seemed to have expected that, and Tommy breathed a sigh of relief as well. “We really need your shot, but between the three of us, I feel much more comfortable with you inside the walls,” Tommy said.

Maria nodded, “I agree. We’ll figure something out for you, kiddo. You know we love you no matter what.” 

Ellie felt a weight off her chest she didn’t know existed. She truly did feel loved. For the first time since Joel died, she actually felt loved. It made her heart pang knowing that Joel wasn’t here for this. She wished now more than ever that he was able to see that she and Dina got together, or that he got to meet JJ. These were moments he should be here for, but unfortunately, the world didn’t work that way. She once told Dina that nature was an asshole, but she felt as if the universe was too. 

Ellie didn’t realize she was crying until Tommy and Maria rushed to her side. They both rubbed soothing shapes on her back as she quietly sobbed into her hands. It felt cathartic, in a way. It was nice to be able to let out her grief and not have to resort to some form of gruesome violence. She continued to cry for a while before eventually calming herself down. She wipes at her eyes. “Sorry, I just miss him so much.” She said.

“I get it, kid. Me too.” Tommy said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, fun fact: I began writing this chapter back in fucking August. It's January. I hate myself too. But, all that time made me realize that I haven't focused on the thing this story was supposed to focus on: Ellie and Dina's relationship. So, get ready for a few flashback-heavy chapters! Hope you all enjoyed it!


End file.
